I am no Quentin Cassidy

"The trials of miles; miles of trials"

Fictional miler Quentin Cassidy's oft-quoted mantra is frequently invoked in the running community, and it certainly was on my mind today during my 15+ mile long run. Sure, trials of miles, I thought to myself, but what does Cassidy know about the trials of freezing cold runs and icy sidewalks? The central Floridian, for all of his grueling workouts, probably logged most of his miles in thin shorts and no shirt. Meanwhile today, I prepared for my battle with the road by donning wool socks, fleece-lined tights, four layers on top including two wind-blocking jackets, a gaiter and a hat.

Quentin Cassidy, we can presume, also had the mentality of a grinder. He was a workhorse, potentially past the point of reason--for those who've read Once a Runner. The trials were mental. His mind was in the game just as much as his legs and his lungs.

 I am no Quentin Cassidy. Currently nine weeks into training for the Boston Marathon, and with just over two months left before the culminating day, I still don't believe that I'm fit. If we exclude this literally mind-numbingly cold weekend, this winter's weather conditions have been much more favorable than last winter's. I've gone through marathon training once before and there are many fewer surprises this time around. And yet training for this marathon has been much more of a struggle so far. My physical therapist says he's never seen my calves in such bad shape, I'm constantly exhausted and have postponed or skipped runs more than I'm willing to admit. I have had almost no training weeks go completely according to plan. With all this stopping and starting, physical and mental fatigue, and the constant rush of life, I don't feel like I'm really in this. In my heart of hearts, I know that one missed run here or one slower-than-scheduled run there will not make or break my marathon in April. But I also know that I want, and need, to be prepared in order to be happy with the outcome of my race, and choosing naps (and cheesecake) over runs will not get me there. I've told people that I will likely not race another marathon for a while after Boston, and I've considered amending my goals to reflect my tumultuous mental state. Running is a priority for me, but I cannot dedicate the amount of time I want to this portion of my life without another aspect giving way.

I won't move to a cabin in the woods, but I'm still lacing up my shoes and getting out the door. Every time my feet hit the pavement I feel vindicated and reassured. In the speed sessions that I have done, the long runs I've either sped or slogged through, and the post-run stretching and strength work I am able to fit in, I am redefining what Quentin Cassidy's famed saying means for my own running.

Probably cold until April,
Rachel "I'm still here" Runner